Top 10 Funniest Things That Ever Happened on My Farm

Ten tall tales from my place outside Enid, told the way I tell them at the co-op coffee table: wind, goats, one llama, and a lot of white pickups.

1. The Hen Who Ran the Elevator Scale

   A speckled hen rode my wheat truck to the Enid elevator and somehow got herself weighed in as a bushel of hard red winter.

2. The Shop Door That Went to Kansas

   A March gust took my shop door north across the state line, and the Kansas farmer who found it mailed me an invoice for storage.

3. The Goat That Learned the Latch

   One nanny goat figured out my gate latch in a single afternoon and had the whole herd out on a county road tour before supper.

4. The Tractor That Drew a Heart

   My new autosteer tractor spent a whole night sowing wheat in a perfect heart, and I found out from a man in a helicopter.

5. Two Identical Pickups at the Co-op

   I drove home in a stranger's white Ford with a stranger's dog, and the stranger drove home in mine, and nobody noticed for forty miles.

6. How I Bought a Llama by Scratching My Nose

   At the Enid sale barn, one itch on my nose and one sharp-eyed auctioneer left me the proud owner of a llama named Dolores.

7. The Dust Storm and the Clothesline

   A brown wall rolled over our farm on wash day, and my wife's whole line of white sheets came back from the storm a perfect tan.

8. The Mule and the Drive-Through

   A retired mule named Ernest wandered into the bank's drive-through lane and ordered the only thing he knew how to order.

9. The Rooster Who Worked for the Phone

   My rooster learned my phone's ringtone and started crowing at 4:45 sharp, a full hour before the actual sun showed up for work.

10. The Rain Gauge Feud

    Two neighbors, two rain gauges, one inch of disagreement, and a full year of increasingly polite and increasingly exaggerated weather reports.